are you there god? it's me, phillip. step the fuck off my brother.

Got a call from turd-face brother Sam last night. He left me a message last month that was thirty seconds of him pissing. That's the kind of phone call I like - the kind that at worst makes me want to beat him up. The last night kind is the kind I don't like - the kind where he has good news.

Sam called to tell me that he's seriously talking about marrying his girl Libby. It's not the first time. Before I met her I used to yell at him when he'd talk about shit like that. Then she charmed the shit out of me and Mom convinced him to have a little patience with the marriage stuff, so we were cool. Now he tells me he talked to Libby's pastor (he says the guy's sort of a father figure to her). He told the guy, "I wanna marry Libby, but we're probably gonna wait 2 1/2 years." The pastor responds, "No way, if God wants you to get married, don't wait. Do it as soon as you can!" And then he whips out a notebook and starts calculating how soon they can do it. And from this discussion, Sam's again talking about putting off school a trimester to get married to the girl he's only been dating two months.

I know part of the problem is I hate marriage and I hate evangelists because of how close I came to both. But even if I'd been a heathen from birth, it would be hard to see my brother get mixed up in all this stuff. Having religion is a good thing, and Sam needs it more than anybody. But he's trusting and he believes if a pastor tells him to do something, that pastor heard it directly from God, like the blues brothers. And just between you and me, I think Sam's rushing into marriage for the sex. For serious, he's not having any more sex before marriage. Not even kissing, not even groping. Not even cuddling. So he's actually trying to get married sooner for all the sex. Creepy.

So while I'm trying to understand the most basic notions of decency and modesty (and why everyone seems to think they're so goddamn great. really, i just don't understand), Sam has totally switched sides on me. He's even encouraging me to try abstinence. As if! Why can't there be a religion that encourages you to be honest with your many sexual partners, call them the next day, use a condom and birth control, and keep a well-trimmed bush? Why does Jesus have to say that the only way to deal with sex is to not have any?