you're awesome

this summer i was down in carbondale helping dan's brother joe move to a new place, because joe and kate had a baby and the shack they were in was no place for a family. it was, however, a nice place for meth, and as we were loading shit into a truck, this guy pulls up in a camaro and yells out "this place for sale?"
joe tells him no, it's for rent. for $200 a month, this dream home could be yours.
"really? hey candy!" he's yelling at a woman in the camaro. "it's only 200 a month!" back to us: "i always drive by this place and i always tell candy i says, 'candy, one day you and me gonna live in that place'"
keep in mind this place has a 7-foot ceiling and wood shingles for siding. now the guy wants to take a look around. joe stops him:
"the baby's asleep in there. maybe you should set up an appointment with the landlord."
"oh, right."
uncomfortable silence. we have a lot left to move and it's time for old boy to leave, but we can't stop staring. i can only count four teeth in his entire mouth.
"i'm from aurora originally"
aw, shit
"you know where aurora is?"
no, dipshit. no idea. oh, wayne's world? ok then.
"used to be in a band up there. three bean salad. we called it three bean salad cause it was my three buddies. and me, i did the sound"
girls, if you take one thing from this story, please, always remember to wear sexy underwear no matter what. you never know where you'll be when you meet the roady from three bean salad.
more uncomfortable silence.
"lost all my teeth"
oh? in the war?
"we was backstage one night after a show and this drunk guy comes running up to me and he says 'dude, you're awesome!' and then he punched me in the face"

next time i come down to so ill, i'm bringing gift certificates to planned parenthood.

you can't say that on television

i don't like hippies, and that's a fact. as it turns out, i'm genetically predisposed to hate them. i was at a party with ben and jana, who are germans, when jana stopped me:

jana: "did you find any hippies?"
hippy: "why are you looking for hippies? are you going to persecute them?"
jana: "no, we're german. we're going to execute them"
ben: "and send them on a train to a work camp in utah"
jana: "and they'll finally have to take a shower"

i haven't seen jana since, so it's possible that hell just swallowed her up that night.